


Priority: Rannoch

by WendyBird



Series: Sanity Check [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Anal, And also Kaidan swears a lot, Angry!Kaidan, Angst, Biotics have so many uses, Blow Jobs, Fingering, Hand Jobs, Krogan whiskey is an excellent social lubricant, M/M, migraines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-09
Updated: 2012-10-09
Packaged: 2017-11-15 22:43:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/532587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WendyBird/pseuds/WendyBird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Against his will, Kaidan found himself playing back the last hour in his mind. Shepard, leaving him behind and heading out to destroy a Reaper base like he was a fucking knight in N7 armor. Shepard was always getting himself into dangerous situations, but Kaidan was used to being right next to him when, as the saying went, shit got serious.</p><p>This work is for fan enjoyment only. Please do not share on other media without permission.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Kaidan

**Author's Note:**

> Filling in the blanks of this relationship arch. There were just a couple of moments in the game where I couldn't imagine Kaidan wouldn't have something to say to Shepard about his shennanigans. I am my own beta (and I'm also an English teacher) so if you notice mistakes, kindly let me know so I can fix them! 
> 
> And while I'm rather proud of this little series, all my love and respect go to **prettysemmy** and **spicyshimmy** , who write Kaidan and Shepard so beautiful and hilariously that I can only bow down in their presence. :)
> 
> I do not own Mass Effect. I make no money from this.

Kaidan stood on the observation deck, fuming silently as he stared down at Rannoch, which was sliding slowly by beneath the Normandy. He tried to focus on the soothing colors of the planet, the blues and browns so similar to Earth, to ease the tension at the base of his skull. If he didn’t get himself under control, that tension was going to grow up to be a bitch of a migraine.

 _Fucking Shepard._

Against his will, Kaidan found himself playing back the last hour in his mind. Shepard, leaving him behind and heading out to destroy a Reaper base like he was a fucking knight in N7 armor. Shepard was always getting himself into dangerous situations, but Kaidan was used to being right next to him when, as the saying went, shit got serious. This time Shepard had taken Garrus and Tali, and left Kaidan in charge of the Normandy. Listening over the coms as Shepard crawled out of the transport to face down a motherfucking Reaper…Kaidan felt his fury building as he remembered. 

_He practically clawed Joker’s eyes out to get to the com. “Get your ass back in that transport, Commander!”_

_Scratchy and distant, Legion’s robotic voice came back. “I don’t think he can hear you, Major Alenko.”_

_“Then you tell him,” Kaidan shot back. “Tell him it’s a goddamn order.”_

_“Sir, I don’t believe Commander Shepard is answerable to—”_

Kaidan had dismissed himself from the bridge. Well, that was saying it politely. Kaidan had freaked right the hell out, is what he had done, and then stormed off to his bunk before anyone saw the worst of it. He didn’t like losing his cool. He was supposed to be an example: the highest-ranking officer on this ship, the second human to ever become a Spectre…he ought to be someone people could look up to. God, how many years had he fought to be seen as levelheaded?

 _Like you have to ask_ , he thought darkly. _Probably since right around the time you lost your temper and murdered Vyrnnus in cold blood._ He pushed the thought away, back to the black space in his mind where he kept that particular gem of a memory. 

No, he did not like losing his cool at all. But Shepard was pushing it. Risking his life needlessly, like he didn’t know the Alliance needed him, the whole damn galaxy needed him. No. Fuck that. Like he didn’t know Kaidan needed him.

And ever since their conversation on the Citadel…

 _…It just feels right_ , he had said. The understatement of the year, when it came to expressing his feelings for Shepard, but it had taken him years to muster up the courage to say those words. He’d known it would change things—he’d been prepared for rejection, for awkwardness, hell, maybe even some great sex, depending on how Shepard responded. But this? Shepard had kept him at arm’s length ever since. Giving him knowing glances, then leaving him behind on key missions. Was he avoiding him? Or worse—did he think he was protecting him? _Because I will be goddamned, Shepard_ —his headache spiked as his blood pressure rose in anger— _if I let you ‘protect’ me right out of this war._

His blood was pounding in his ears, roaring so loudly that he didn’t hear the door hiss open behind him. 

“Major.” 

Kaidan jumped, startled, at Shepard’s voice, and hoped the other man hadn’t noticed. He forced a blank face, crossed his arms tighter, and made himself continue staring out the window.

“Commander,” he replied coolly. Well, a few degrees below cool, actually. It was sort of a wonder ice wasn’t forming on the observation deck window.

He heard Shepard take a few steps toward him. The commander’s voice was almost gentle. “You doing alright?”

 _Alright?_ Kaidan’s L2 implant nearly twitched, he wanted so badly to Throw Shepard back against a bulkhead. _Paint a laser sight on that, dickhead._ He knew he was being childish, but really. Are you doing alright. What an asshole thing to ask.

“I’m fine,” was all he said. God, he sounded like a woman. Kaidan didn’t know if he was more disgusted with Shepard or himself.

“Really?” said Shepard, coming to stand next to him. He leaned casually against the window, forcing himself into Kaidan’s line of sight. “Because you look like you have something to say.” 

The major studied Shepard out of the corner of his eye, the place where his armor met the angled window making it look like the commander was leaning precariously out into space. Even knowing Shepard was safe—the window wasn’t going to disintegrate, his friend’s body wasn’t going to hurtle into the vacuum of space—it made Kaidan’s heart beat faster. Just the illusion of Shepard in danger, triggering every protective instinct in his body. He hated himself for not being able to just tell Shepard how much—just _how much._

How much he cared, how hurt he was at being left behind, how scared he’d been, and then how relieved at seeing Shepard still alive. 

And ok, the window thing really was bothering him. 

“Stop that,” he said, involuntarily uncrossing his arms to push Shepard away from the black emptiness that seemed ready to swallow him up. It wasn’t much of a touch, but making contact with him, even just his hand on his armor, dissipated some of Kaidan’s anger. His body language eased a bit, his eyes softening. “You really wanna know?” 

Shepard took a step closer and spread his arms a bit, gesturing to himself. “I’m here, aren’t I?”

Kaidan met his gaze, brown eyes holding blue. _Yes_ , he thought. _For now. Until the next time you have to do something heroic._ That psychic twitch again, the urge to slap Shepard with something stronger than just his hand. He sighed, taking a deep breath to calm himself. Unclenched a fist he didn’t remember making. “You’re a real son of a bitch, Shepard, you know that?”

The commander’s eyes widened, but he didn’t miss a beat. “Well, that’s not a very nice thing to say to an orphan.”

Kaidan didn’t mean to laugh. He caught the sound halfway out of his mouth and choked it off, glaring at Shepard. “I’m being serious.”

“Well, in that case,” said Shepard, a teasing note creeping into his voice, “I’ll probably have to have you court-martialed or something. Slander. Insubordination. Mutiny.”

“I’ll pull rank,” Kaidan returned, playing along in spite of himself. 

“I heard that you tried.” 

The humor faded from Kaidan’s eyes, and the playful moment evaporated as quickly as it had appeared. 

Shepard’s voice was still light, however, as he said, “Giving me orders, Kaidan? You might outrank me, Major, but it’s still my ship.”

The major pushed away from the window and sat down on the couch, facing away from Shepard. 

“Kaidan…”

He rubbed the back of his neck, but did not turn around. Shepard crossed the room to sit beside him. 

“Kaidan, I’m sorry.”

Kaidan glanced at him. 

“I know you’re…upset. But there are things I have to do.”

“Can you even hear yourself, Shepard?” There was heat in Kaidan’s voice, but he wasn’t yelling. Not quite. “Look. I know having half the galaxy worship the ground you walk on is a heady thing, but you are _not_ a super hero.”

Shepard’s gaze hardened. “Do you think I don’t know that? I _died_ , Kaidan, remember?”

“Yeah, I know, Shepard.” Kaidan scrubbed a hand through his hair, anger beginning to get the better of him. “I was there.”

Shepard flinched at the edge in his tone. Kaidan looked him in the eye, emphasizing each word with a finger pointed accusingly at Shepard’s chest. “I watched you die. Watched you save me once, without telling me—without even asking me—” He fumbled to a stop, his voice catching in a way he didn’t like.

Shepard let out a long breath. “Is that what this is about?”

Kaidan threw up his hands. There were tears in the corners of his eyes, but he blinked them furiously away. Fucking Shepard. “You’re doing it all over again,” he said. Now that he’d begun to give them voice, his thoughts spilled out of him, and he made each word steel. “You’ll go off to play the goddamn hero, and you’ll put me aside. Keep an eye on Kaidan, he can’t take care of his own damn self. Poor little Army brat Kaidan, let’s just have him sit this one out.”

Shepard was silent, just looking at him. The major fought to control his ragged breathing. With each exhale, pain shot through his skull. He rubbed his palms roughly against his eyes, knowing it was in vain. Once the pain hit a certain threshold, there was no going back. 

They sat that way for some time—Kaidan, having said his piece, trying to nurse his growing headache, and Shepard staring at nothing in particular. Finally, after a long silence, Shepard said, “Army brat? I thought your dad was a Marine.”

Kaidan stopped palming his eyes and looked at him blankly. Slowly—and painfully, now that his migraine was in full swing—he smiled. “Christ, Shepard,” he said through gritted teeth. His voice was somewhere between a laugh and a growl. “You don’t even know how to argue right.”

“I don’t _want_ to argue.”

Kaidan rubbed at his temples now, the smile twisting into a near grimace as he fought the throbbing in his head. “Someday,” he muttered, “you’re going to be the death of me.”

It was Shepard’s turn to be serious. He caught Kaidan’s chin and turned his face toward him. “I hope not.”

Kaidan froze for a moment. It was the first time Shepard had touched him—really touched him, not to pull him out of some enemy’s line of fire or shift past him in a hallway, but on purpose reached out and just touched him—since their conversation on the Citadel. And it was as thrilling as it was unexpected. The commander’s hands were calloused, scraping against the stubble on Kaidan’s jaw in a way that should have been unpleasant, but wasn’t. Kaidan searched Shepard’s eyes for some clue as to what the other man was thinking. He’d always admired Shepard for being straightforward, easy to read. When had the man gotten so damn confusing?

He pulled away from Shepard’s touch, but held his gaze. “I don’t get you, Shepard.”

The commander cocked an eyebrow at him. He looked himself up and down, making a sweeping gesture with his hand. “Open book, Kaidan. What’s not to get?’

Now Kaidan looked away, pushing himself up from the couch—and falling right back down again with a thump. Christ, his fucking head.

“Kaidan!” Shepard was there, one hand on his arm, sliding off the couch to kneel in front of him. “Major, what’s wrong?” 

Kaidan groaned and let Shepard ease him back against the couch cushions. “Migraine,” he replied. “Not the worst I’ve ever had, but…I probably shouldn’t have stood up so fast.”

“Oh.” Was it his imagination, or was that relief on Shepard’s face? “Can I get you anything?” He called over his shoulder, “EDI, tell Dr. Chakwas—”

“No,” Kaidan interrupted. “She doesn’t have anything that helps.”

EDI’s soothing voice came back over the com. “Tell Dr. Chakwas what, Commander?”

Shepard looked back at Kaidan.

“She can’t do anything, Shepard. Not once it’s this bad.”

“Never mind,” said Shepard, addressing EDI. To Kaidan, he said, “You should have seen her earlier.”

“I was busy,” Kaidan moaned, throwing an arm over his eyes, “thinking of ways to use my biotics to kill my commander.”

“Oh, now who’s making jokes?”

“Shut up, Shepard. My head hurts.”

“I really can’t do anything?” 

Kaidan didn’t move. “Whiskey,” he grunted. “It’s in the cabinet.” He gestured vaguely across the room.

“That helps?”

He shrugged. “Not really. But it sure doesn’t hurt.”

The commander opened the cabinet, found the bottle, and filled two tumblers with the amber liquid. He glanced at the label. “This isn’t the bottle I got you.”

Kaidan shook his head. Slowly. “I’m saving that one for a special occasion. This one—” he took the glass that Shepard offered him “—I won off Wreav. Turns out Krogans suck at cards.”

Shepard sniffed at his own glass, pulling a face. “Jesus, Kaidan, what do the Krogran even put in this? It smells like the wrong end of a thresher maw. Anything else you need? Some Batarian piss, maybe?”

The major sipped at his glass, peering out at him from underneath his arm. “I’m fine with this, thanks. You could dim the lights, though.”

Shepard complied, shooting him a crooked smile. “Booze? Mood lighting? Are you fighting a headache, Major? Or are you hitting on me?”

Groaning again, Kaidan retreated back under his arm. “I can’t do both?” Yes, it was definitely easier to flirt with Shepard when he wasn’t looking right at him. He gave up sipping and took a healthy swallow of his whiskey. 

He knew how he felt, but Shepard had been forbidden fruit for so long, and Kaidan was still on shaky ground when it came to seeing him as an equal, much less as a…god, he hated the word lover. So why, when it popped into his head, did his stomach tighten like that?

Temptation won over awkwardness, and Kaidan stole a glance at Shepard to gage his reaction. The commander was watching him, impassive, the smile still in place. He hadn’t moved away, but he hadn’t moved closer either.

“You’re really not going to meet me halfway, here, are you?” Kaidan asked.

Shepard’s smile slipped a little. “What are you talking about?” 

Apparently, Kaidan thought, pain made him bold, because he felt his embarrassment melting away. Glancing down, he noticed his nearly empty whiskey glass. Oh. Well, pain and alcohol. Who needed courage? He took a deep breath. “I wasn’t lying, John. What I said on the Citadel.”

The smile was gone now. “I know. I wasn’t lying, either.”

A pause that threatened to stretch into awkward silence. “We don’t have to,” Kaidan began. “I mean, I’m sorry if I pushed you. If you’re not…” He didn’t know how to finish, so he just trailed off lamely.

Shepard shook his head. “I told you,” he said. “I wasn’t lying. I just…Kaidan, dammit, I don’t know how to do this.”

Kaidan waited, still watching Shepard from under his arm. The commander smiled again, more rueful this time. “It’s been a long time. And I’ve never been very good at…” He waved a hand, indicating both of them, the space between them, the room.

“…Communicating?” Kaidan offered, chuckling deep in his throat and then wincing at the sound. “Yeah,” he said, when he could breathe through the pain again, “I can see that.” He moved his arm, fighting back a wave of dizziness to push himself halfway upright. The small amount of whiskey left in his glass sloshed onto his shirt. “I should probably find that reporter girl, the one who’s always rubbing her boobs all over you?”

“Allers? Why do you need her?” Shepard looked torn between surprise and amusement.

“Finally found something the great and powerful Shepard is bad at,” grunted Kaidan. “Seems newsworthy to me.” 

Shepard laughed. “And, Christ, Kaidan, rubbing her boobs all over me? Feeling that whiskey a little, are you?”

Kaidan waved his hand dismissively. “When you hurt this bad, you don’t have room in your brain for filters.”

“Hopefully the filters in your liver still work. That stuff must pack a hell of a punch. I guess that explains why anyone would put up with the smell.”

“Stop trying to change the subject.” 

Shepard set his glass, whiskey still untouched, to one side, and sat down beside Kaidan on the couch. The major shifted a little to make room for him. A very little. He liked the way Shepard felt pressed against him. The weight of him was…reassuring. 

“What do you want to know?” Shepard’s voice was sincere, but wary. This was uncharted territory for him as well.

Kaidan pressed his hands to his eyes, trying to clear his head. He had questions, but the whiskey and the headache made him want to forget them. He could just lie here on the couch, maybe fall asleep next to Shepard…

No. He needed to ask. 

“I don’t know…” He stopped. Tried again. “Ever since Eden Prime, I’ve been with you. I know I had my doubts, after Cerberus…but you proved me wrong. What I told you on the Citadel was true, but maybe it wasn’t enough.” He paused, chasing down thoughts that were trying to escape into the haze of pain and alcohol. “You’re not just someone I admire. You’re not just someone I want to spend time with. You’re the one I would follow anywhere. You’re the one I…I don’t know, Shepard, the one I fucking _believe_ in.

“So I’m with you. That doesn’t change. Even if your answer on the Citadel had been different, that wouldn’t change. But it _wasn’t_ different. I offered something more, and you said yes.”

Shepard shifted. “What’s your question, Major?” 

“I guess my question is…why did you say yes? What did you think you were saying yes to, even? I don’t want you here because you feel obligated. I want to know…” Kaidan was suddenly finding it hard to make eye contact with Shepard. “Well, I want to know that you’re with me, too.”

Another silence. Kaidan didn’t know where to look, so he closed his eyes and waited. 

“Major.” Shepard’s voice, from closer than it ought to have been. Kaidan opened his eyes. Shepard was, indeed, closer, his face only a few inches from Kaidan’s. When he spoke, his voice was soft but firm. “I’m with you.”

Kaidan felt a twinge of dizziness that had nothing to do with the whiskey or the headache. He drank in the words, wanting more. “Not just as a soldier, Shepard? Not just—”

And then Shepard’s lips were covering his own, cutting off his questions, answering them with actions instead of words. It hurt to sit up, to move, but Kaidan made himself lean into the kiss. That tight place deep in his stomach wound even tighter, everything in his body focused on this. He needed one hand to keep himself from keeling over, but the other made its way to Shepard’s chest, palm flat, fingers sliding up to caress his neck, his jaw. Shepard’s mouth opened to him, and Kaidan’s tongue explored it willingly. Hell, maybe even a little desperately. He was just drunk enough not to care. 

It seemed like a long time before Kaidan pulled back, resting his forehead against Shepard’s, using his hand around Shepard’s neck to support himself. His breath came quickly, in strange, uneven bursts. Shepard, the bastard, still looked relatively composed. Maybe a little flushed. And—Kaidan smiled—a little stubble-burned around the mouth. 

“Ok,” Kaidan said after awhile, his voice a ragged whisper. “So you’re with me.”

Shepard grinned. “Does that mean you’re not mad at me anymore?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I’m mad as hell.” He kissed him again to take the sting out of the words. And, to be honest, because it was still such a novel idea, kissing Shepard. Actually kissing him. 

“The only difference,” said Kaidan, “is that now I know exactly why I’m mad at you.”

A raised eyebrow. “And why is that, Major?”

Kaidan’s hand, still around Shepard’s neck, tightened, forcing Shepard’s eyes to meet his own. “You have to stop trying to protect me.”

“Kaidan…”

“I’m serious, Commander. You don’t get to leave me behind anymore. I don’t want you coddling me like I’m the goddamn king’s favorite concubine.”

Shepard bit back a laugh at that. “I’m not doing it on purpose, Kaidan. It’s just…” He looked at him imploringly. “I don’t know what I’d do, if something happened. When you went down on Mars, on my watch…I can’t let that happen again, Kaidan.”

“It’s not up to you.”

“Actually,” Shepard corrected, “it is.”

Rather than argue, Kaidan kissed him again. “No more, Shepard. I’m with you. Even when it’s dangerous.” He smiled. “Hell. Especially when it’s dangerous.” 

“I’m not making any promises. But I’ll try.” Kaidan opened his mouth to protest, and Shepard covered it with another kiss. It started slow, like their first, but this one built steadily, and neither one seemed prepared to back down first. Within the space of a few heartbeats, the kiss was almost a battle: their tongues fought over territory, chasing each other back and forth. Kaidan’s lips were crushed against his teeth, hard enough to hurt. His stomach began to clench again, the first twinges of a deeper, hungrier ache. His headache eased a bit as the blood that had been pounding at skull found a more urgent job, rushing to where it was suddenly needed. 

Kaidan pulled back from him just enough to mutter, “Fuck.”

“Is that good fuck,” asked Shepard, “or a bad fuck?”

“Oh come on, Shepard.” Kaidan’s eyes were still half-closed and heavy with desire, his lips curled into a ghost of a smile. “Fucks are like pizzas. Even when they’re bad, they’re still pretty good.”

Shepard laughed. “How’s your head?”

“Ah. It’s a wreck, but at least you’re…distracting.”

Shepard was glancing around the room. The look on his face was the same one he got when examining a potential battlefield—analyzing cover, noting possible entrances and exists, laying out strategies. 

“You know,” he said after a moment, “you told me that if I made you happy, there were benefits to that happiness.”

The major raised an eyebrow, his smile creating a dimple on one cheek. “I did.”

“And I think, if the look on your face means what I think it means, that you are at least marginally happy at the moment.”

Kaidan tilted his head to one side, as if to consider this. “I suppose.” The dimple deepened.

“So I propose that we find a place,” said Shepard, leaning in to him, “where you explain these…benefits…to me.”

Now Kaidan’s smile was almost animal. “Shepard. You may have to carry me, but get me where you want to go, and I promise…I will educate you.”

Shepard stood, half lifting, half dragging Kaidan up with him. The major swayed, catching himself roughly against Shepard’s shoulder. “Fuck!”

Shepard chuckled. “Good fuck?”

A laugh that was almost a moan. “Commander, you have no idea.”


	2. Shepard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And now for some sexy times.

Shepard helped Kaidan into the elevator, grateful that it was late and most of the crew were in their bunks or off losing credits to Vega in a game of cards somewhere. He wasn’t sure he was ready to offer explanations yet. 

Not that he was ashamed—glancing over at Kaidan, his eyes closed, swaying a bit, even with the smooth motion of the elevator, the jolt of emotion that shot through him was much closer to pride… or possessiveness.

He’d always felt protective of his crew. They were his to lead, his to command, and his to protect. When one of them was lost, it was personal. But Kaidan…Kaidan had always felt like his in a way that went far deeper. Something about his personality, how he always seemed younger than he really was. He was just so…trusting. Even when Cerberus had Shepard wrapped up in their schemes, even when Kaidan had been suspicious, on some level, Shepard knew, it had killed Kaidan to question him. 

He knew most of his crew would die for him. He carried the weight of that every day, of knowing he might actually have to ask them to do so. But Kaidan was different. Kaidan _lived_ for him.

Shepard didn’t need long conversations to tell him that. The commander spoke through actions, and he listened that way as well. Kaidan had been so desperate to tell him how he felt, but Shepard had known long before Kaidan spoke the words. Maybe he hadn’t quite put all the pieces together, but he had known. It was in the way Kaidan looked at him, the way he hardly even had to give an order before the major carried it out. The way Kaidan hung back when he needed space and showed up when he needed a friend. Whatever Kaidan thought he needed to prove to Shepard, he had proven the minute he’d refused to shoot him, despite Udina’s accusations. It wasn’t just loyalty that made Kaidan who he was. It was loyalty to _Shepard_.

And god, it killed him. He had no idea what to do with that much trust. Because Kaidan was right. He wasn’t a super hero. He was just a soldier, and soldiers made mistakes. Soldiers died, and sometimes they took their fellow soldiers down with them. And that scared Shepard more than any Reaper ever could. In fact, facing down a Reaper had been cake compared to trying to promise he would stop protecting Kaidan. _Right_ , he thought. _And I’ll work on not breathing so much, too._

He sighed, adjusting his stance to better support Kaidan’s weight. The major moaned and leaned into him. Oh, who was he kidding. He probably _would_ try to stop breathing, if Kaidan asked.

The elevator door slid open, and Shepard helped Kaidan into his cabin. He had a momentary debate with himself: was it too presumptuous, to dump him directly on his bed? The couch seemed so far away.

Kaidan settled the debate by lurching into the chair near Shepard’s terminal. “That’s enough standing for now,” he declared, sinking down into the seat.

“Make yourself at home,” Shepard said sarcastically. It was easier to be funny. It distracted him from the strange gyrations going on in his gut. 

The major opened one eye, weighing Shepard’s tone, and sat up a little straighter. He glanced around the spacious cabin and laughed low in his throat. “It’s good to be commander, huh?”

Shepard shrugged. “Honestly,” he said, gesturing to the oversized fish tanks set into the walls, “I could do without the fish.”

“I think they’re supposed to be soothing.”

“Right. Well, let me know if they do anything for your head. So far, they haven’t put my mind at ease about Reapers destroying Earth.”

“God, Shepard. Work, work, work.” 

The commander had to admire him: nearly incapacitated with pain, and he still had a sense of humor. For a moment, every muscle in Shepard’s body tightened, a spasm of jealousy for anyone else in the galaxy who had ever made Kaidan laugh.

He scrubbed a hand over his face. He had to stop that. Kaidan wasn’t his goddamn property. Like the man had said, he had to stop feeling so protective, and that started with shutting off this over-developed sense of…ownership. 

The major was watching him. Shepard made himself smile. “It’s hard being the galaxy’s only hope,” he quipped.

Kaidan rewarded him with a raised eyebrow and a stifled groan. “I fucking bet.”

Shepard watched him fight back the pain, shifting his weight in the chair. “Are you sure there’s nothing I can do to help you?”

Kaidan’s hands dropped to his side, and he looked up at the commander. His eyes were glazed with an odd mixture of agony and desire. “You could come over here and kiss me.”

Three strides was all it took for Shepard to close the distance between them. Planting one hand on each arm of the chair, effectively trapping Kaidan, he stood over him, leaning down so their eyes were level. He paused there, his gaze swiftly taking in every inch of the major’s face. The squared jaw, the deep, warm brown of his eyes, crinkled up in the corners from laughter and age and squinting against a dozen different alien suns. This close, he could see the handful of gray hairs insinuating themselves throughout his hairline. Kaidan was young for that, but he had earned them. Christ, they all had.

Kaidan’s head had dropped backward slightly, raising his lips toward Shepard like an offering. An offering Shepard was only too willing to take. The emotion in Kaidan was tender, full of respect and admiration. Shepard’s emotions, in contrast, were a tightly wound mass of wires, full of sharp edges and electricity. When his lips met Kaidan’s, he wasn’t just kissing him. He was claiming him. 

The kiss was not as rough as some, but it was deep. With Shepard standing over Kaidan the way he was, containing him with his body, sealing them together with his mouth…the combination was more erotic than almost anything Shepard had experienced. He could feel his body responding, and he was suddenly—and somewhat uncomfortably—reminded that he was still in almost full armor. 

He broke away from the kiss with a growl of frustration, but paused when he saw Kaidan’s face. The major’s eyes were closed, his mouth still slightly open. His skin glowed faintly blue, his biotic field crackling a bit in the silence of the cabin. 

“Kaidan?” Shepard said gently. 

The major opened his eyes slowly, lingering on Shepard’s face still inches from his own, then seemed to notice the glow reflected in Shepard’s eyes. He glanced down at himself, his lips twisting into a rueful grin. 

“Sorry,” he said. “When the headaches hit, it’s harder to control the implant. It reacts to chemical changes in the brain. You know, adrenaline rush…” He hesitated, the hint of a blush coloring his cheeks. “And, apparently, extreme…uh…sexual interest.”

For an instant, Shepard forgot about needing to get out of his constricting armor. The thought that Kaidan was even half as excited by Shepard as Shepard was by him…This time, the kiss was brutal and bruising, and left them both breathless.

“You are really not helping the situation, commander,” Kaidan mumbled.

“Tell me about it. N7 armor isn’t exactly…roomy.”

Kaidan flushed again, but sat up a little in the chair and slid his hands around Shepard’s hips. The gesture was so simple, yet somehow infinitely more intimate than the kissing. Shepard’s heart beat a syncopated rhythm in his chest, skipping random beats in its effort to keep blood flowing to all necessary locations. His cock twitched a little in its confines as Kaidan pulled him closer. The major’s fingers slid over the battle-ravaged plates of Shepard’s armor, seeking out the grooves where they connected and trying to undo the complicated latches hidden there. He managed to get a few, but his fingers were fumbling, his brow knitted in concentration, and Shepard realized it must be hard to focus on fine motor skills when your head felt like exploding.

“Kaidan, let me.” He stepped back, and Kaidan looked momentarily hurt. “Your head,” Shepard explained. And then, something he desperately didn’t want to say, but knew he had to, “We don’t have to do this right now. I don’t want you pushing yourself if you…”

Before he could blink, he was pressed back against one of the wall-sized fish tanks, several feet away from Kaidan, the major’s blue biotic field fully enveloping him. Fuck. Kaidan had managed to Throw him and cushion his landing with Stasis at the same time. Christ, but the guy had some control. Unfortunately, seeing him exercise that control was making Shepard lose his.

“I told you, Commander. I can take care of myself.” 

The field dropped, and without the haze of the biotics in the way, Shepard could see the sweat standing out on Kaidan’s brow, the lines of strain around his mouth. Yes, he could take care of himself, but it was costing him.

“Fine,” said Shepard, pushing away his concern as best he could, “but take it easy.” He managed a faint, teasing smile. “I want you to be awake for this next part.”

The commander’s fingers made quick work of his armor, dropping each piece onto the floor beside his bed. Kaidan sat in the chair, just watching, until he had recovered enough to cross the room and sit on the edge of the bed. The blue glow had faded around him.

Finally, Shepard was free from the armor, standing in only his protective undershirt and standard issue skivvies. He turned to Kaidan, who seemed to be trying to drink him in with his eyes. 

“God, Shepard,” he murmured. “You’re…”

“Sweaty, I think, is the word you’re looking for.”

“That too.” Kaidan smiled, noticing the way he evaded the compliment, but allowing it. “Come here.”

Shepard stepped closer, and Kaidan forced himself up to meet him. Shepard slid an arm around his waist, instinctively offering support, then noted the way it pressed their bodies together and flushed a bit. His cock, pressed somewhere into Kaidan’s hip, throbbed again. And, fuck it, Kaidan noticed.

The major glanced down, then back up at Shepard’s face, raising in eyebrow in amusement. _God_ , Shepard thought, _this is awkward_.

Kaidan must have read his thoughts on his face, because he wiped the amusement from his face and pressed closer to Shepard, so the commander could feel his own erection.

“Shepard,” he said, “remember those benefits I told you about?”

Shepard didn’t answer, just tilted his head slightly and waited for Kaidan to continue. 

The major acquiesced. “Benefit number one: you get to see me naked.”

The commander laughed through his nose, closing his eyes against another spike of arousal at the thought. Kaidan smiled, stepping slightly back and out of Shepard’s embrace. “Not to undermine my previous argument,” he said, the lightness of his voice belied by the way he leaned heavily against the bed, “but I may need some help getting undressed.”

This time it was Shepard’s turn to be amused. “Major Kaidan Alenko, asking for help? Now,” he muttered, “I have heard everything.”

Kaidan sniffed, rolling his eyes. “Shut up and take my clothes off, Shepard.”

Shepard leaned forward and kissed him, gently this time, letting his fingers slide down the back of Kaidan’s shirt, following it to where it disappeared into his pants. He let his hands slide lower, cupping the top of Kaidan’s ass for a moment, before hooking the fabric in his fingers and untucking the shirt. Kaidan raised his arms to let Shepard pull the shirt over his head, and Shepard quickly turned his attention to the newly exposed skin, planting kisses across the major’s shoulders and collarbone. Kaidan shuddered in his grasp. 

With one hand, Shepard cradled Kaidan’s head, keeping him close, alternating between kissing his lips, his jaw, his neck. His other hand found the buttons on Kaidan’s pants and set about undoing them. The major helped him, sliding the pants down, breaking apart from their kissing only long enough to tug them off his feet, kicking off his shoes and socks in the process. 

Shepard used the lull to pull of his own undershirt, and, after a moment’s hesitation, his underwear as well. It was not Shepard’s default setting to be vulnerable in front of people. So far, most of his sexual experience had come from nameless bar sluts—some female, when he was still young and confused, then later male. They had all been young, easily impressed, and somewhat interchangeable. Most of them thought they were the exception, thought that they were seeing a Shepard no one else got to see. The fact that they had believed that front told him they liked Shepard the figurehead, not Shepard the man. Which was fine, when the sex was just about release. It never hurt to feel worshipped for a few hours. 

But this was Kaidan. And he wanted Kaidan…well, yes. Just that. He wanted Kaidan. 

The major turned from taking off his shoes and socks to find Shepard fully naked behind him, his now freed erection hardening further. Shepard didn’t know what Kaidan saw written on his face, but the major’s expression was captivating. Kaidan, who knew him better than anyone, who saw the failures as well as the successes, who saw things Shepard couldn’t even see about himself—after so many years of being unable to hide anything from this man, standing naked in front of Kaidan felt… _It just feels right._

The silence seemed to stretch for an eternity, though Shepard knew it hadn’t been more than two or three seconds. Finally, Kaidan’s voice. “Oh, Shepard.”

It undid him. Shepard closed the small space between them, taking Kaidan in his arms again. He didn’t remember the major taking off his underwear, but at some point in that embrace he became aware that his cock was laying against Kaidan’s, that he could feel the major matching him pulse for pulse in growing excitement. 

He eased Kaidan back onto the bed, guiding his head to the pillow to help prop him up. Slow. Shepard didn’t want to rush this. He knew it couldn’t last forever—he fought back the bleak hopelessness that welled up in him at that thought, the impending sense of duty—but dammit if he wasn’t going to make it last as long as he could. 

“Roll over, Kaidan.”

The other man groaned, half opening his eyes. 

“That’s an order, Major.” Shepard made his voice serious, but he couldn’t keep the smile from his eyes.

Kaidan rolled his eyes slightly in return, but rolled onto his stomach. “You’re so damn bossy,” he complained.

The smile spread to Shepard’s lips, but again, he answered with his hands, which slide over the skin of Kaidan’s back, first with light, fluttering touches as the commander allowed himself to enjoy the view—Kaidan’s wide shoulders, rounded out with muscle, the smooth expanse of skin between his shoulder blades, the tapering waist, and the twin mounds of his buttocks just beyond. God, never mind the emotional shit. Kaidan was just fun to look at.

His fingers pressed harder into the muscles of his upper back, eliciting a moan of appreciation. Shepard kneaded his thumbs across the major’s shoulders, working the knots he found there. 

“That one,” Kaidan mumbled into the pillow. “That knot right there has your name on it, Shep— _aaaah_.”

The commander pressed harder at the indicated spot, cutting off Kaidan’s talking. “You know, Major, I used to think of you as the quiet one.”

He followed his fingers with his mouth, first kissing each shoulder, then working his way up toward Kaidan’s head. With one hand, he began to massage the tense muscles in the major’s neck, while his lips found Kaidan’s ear. The man groaned again, pushing his hips deeper into the mattress, and Shepard’s cock cried out for attention at the sight.

Instead, he brought his other hand down to Kaidan’s ass, working the thick muscles there. Kaidan’s breathing became more ragged, his hips developing a rhythm as he squirmed under Shepard’s hands. Fuck. 

“Over, Kaidan.” Shepard was surprised at the hoarseness of his voice. 

This time, the major made no reply, just obeyed. Shepard’s lips traced a line down from Kaidan’s ear, his tongue darting out to taste the salt on his skin. Kaidan’s hand came up to Shepard’s head, just cradling it, one thumb absently stroking his cheek. Lower still, and Shepard’s mouth found Kaidan’s nipple. He paused, his tongue tracing slow circles around it, then pulled the nipple into his mouth. Kaidan sighed above him, and his hand on Shepard’s head gripped tighter, pulling him close. Enjoying the way the major was melting underneath him, Shepard slid a hand down Kaidan’s stomach, forcing himself to do it slowly—always slow. They had time, for tonight. His fingers quested lower and lower, and he felt Kaidan unconsciously raising his hips in anticipation. Shepard held off, still, tracing the line of Kaidan’s hipbone, then slipping right down to his thigh, which he massaged as well. 

Kaidan’s voice was tight with arousal and frustration. “Shepard, fuck.”

“I told you, Major,” the commander said, flicking Kaidan’s nipple with his tongue, “don’t give me orders on my own ship.”

The major’s laugh was lost in a low moan as Shepard’s thumb worked its way into his groin, applying just enough pressure to make all coherent thought flee Kaidan’s mind.

“Oh, fuck.” It was almost a whimper. Shepard decided to stop teasing. 

He slid his hand over to grip Kaidan’s cock, enjoying the major’s sharp intake of breath at the contact. He just held there a moment, feeling the width of him, his thumb tracing a line down the major’s shaft, following a thick vein along the side. He waited until he felt Kaidan strain against him, his hips unconsciously rising and falling. Then he went to work in earnest. 

He didn’t rush, but he let his hand set a steady rhythm, starting at the base of Kaidan’s cock, rising up the length, letting his palm scrape over the head at the top of his stroke, then back down again. His tongue was still toying with Kaidan’s nipple. The major’s hand was grasping at the back of Shepard’s head, seeking purchase against his nearly shaved scalp.

Shepard released the nipple and continued downward, tongue swirling across Kaidan’s abdomen, then lower, letting the anticipation build. He could feel Kaidan’s cock twitch in his hand, pulse quickening as Shepard’s mouth came closer. He paused in his rhythm, letting his hand slide around Kaidan’s hip instead, and the major opened his eyes, half in protest and half in curiosity. Shepard hovered over Kaidan’s cock, just watching him, lips slightly apart, eyebrow raised. 

“Fuck.” The major’s voice was strangled. “Shepard, you are so goddamn—”

He sucked in a breath as Shepard’s tongue darted out, touched the tip of Kaidan’s cock, lapping up a trace of pre-come. 

“So goddamn fucking amazing,” Kaidan finished. “I fucking lo—aaahh.”

Shepard silenced him, swirling his tongue once around the head before letting his head drop down slowly, judging how much of Kaidan’s length he could comfortably fit in his mouth. 

He began to move up and down, his tongue teasing Kaidan’s cock as he worked. The major had one hand tangled in the bed sheets, the other against the back of Shepard’s head, and Shepard could feel the pressure against his skull slowly increasing as Kaidan fought to keep his composure. The commander, so used to being in charge, had a moment of hesitation before deciding he rather liked the idea of Kaidan calling the shots, and let the major’s hand on his head guide his rhythm. 

Kaidan seemed to sense his submission, and gripped Shepard’s head with both hands. The commander glanced up at him, the raw need on Kaidan’s face making him moan. That seemed to push Kaidan over the edge, his hold on Shepard’s face tightening as he thrust harder. Shepard opened his throat to him, letting the major use him as he wished. 

“Fuck,” Kaidan groaned. “Oh, fuck, Shepard.”

He thrust deep and Shepard took him, his chin against the major’s balls, his nose buried deep in the tight black curls at the base of Kaidan’s shaft. He held for as long as he could before pulling back, savoring Kaidan’s whimper as he did so.

“Shepard, Jesus.” Kaidan’s voice was choked, breathless. The major, normally so reserved and controlled, was crumbling right before him. Kaidan’s hands guided Shepard’s face back to his own, pulling him close for a kiss.

The tension building inside the commander was becoming too much to bear. Shepard reached down to stroke himself, almost crying out at the contact. Shit, he needed Kaidan now.

Kaidan caught the stifled cry, breaking away from their kiss. He read Shepard’s expression immediately. Without saying a word, he grabbed Shepard by the shoulders and rolled him over. Shaking his head against a wave of dizziness, the major positioned himself over Shepard. He kissed his forehead, his lips, his neck, his chest, making his way steadily downward.

Everywhere Kaidan’s lips touched felt afire, the traces of his saliva rapidly evaporating in the cool cabin air. Shepard’s breath caught in his throat as the major’s tongue traced lazy patterns across his stomach. Fuck, should Kaidan even be doing this? His head…Shepard glanced down at Kaidan, who had now reached his groin and was— _oh god_ —swirling his tongue around first one of Shepard’s balls, then the other. There was a tightness around his eyes that hinted at his pain, but when Shepard caught his gaze, the only thing he saw in those brown depths was a mirror image of his own desire. And then Kaidan’s mouth was on his cock, his lips working their way down the side, tongue tasting every inch of him, before— _oh fuck_ —taking him fully into his mouth. 

Shepard’s thoughts began to fly apart. The major was moving slowly, and Shepard’s body was crying out for speed. He tried to breathe deep, to calm himself down, but then Kaidan’s tongue was against that sensitive spot just below the head of his cock, and Shepard reached for Kaidan’s head. The major slapped his hand back down, and Shepard hissed, annoyed. 

Kaidan paused to look up at Shepard, eliciting another groan from the commander, who glared at him. “Goddammit, Kaidan. You’re killing me.”

“Hell of a way to go, you have to admit.”

“Fuck.” Shepard was torn between amusement and frustration. “I need you, dammit.”

Kaidan smiled, and Shepard felt his frustration dim a little in the light of that grin. “Do you trust me, Shepard?”

Shepard hesitated, his body demanding all of Kaidan, right that minute. Fuck, trust him? He gritted his teeth. “Do I have a choice?”

The major raised an eyebrow. 

“Ok, Jesus,” Shepard sighed. “I trust you.”

“Good. Now, do you have any…um…” Kaidan seemed momentarily at a loss, casting about for a tasteful word. He gave up. “Lube. I need lube.”

Shepard laughed, pointing at his bedside table. “Top drawer. I admit, after our talk on the Citadel, I was feeling a little…optimistic.”

Kaidan retrieved the bottle from the indicated drawer, squeezing some out onto his hand and throwing Shepard a mock salute. “I applaud your foresight, Commander. Now let me take care of you, for once.” 

Shepard’s cock, still next to Kaidan’s face, throbbed at the words. Shepard closed his eyes, lying back. And then immediately opened them again, starting up at the electricity that suddenly filled the air. A blue biotic haze had once again appeared around Kaidan’s hands and arms, dancing lightly over his skin. The major’s eyes were lidded in concentration, sweat standing out on his upper lip, but the field did not waver, glowing steadily and slowly. 

“Kaidan, should you…”

“For god’s sake, Shepard, if you don’t shut up with the old lady crap…I’ve had these headaches most of my life, remember? I can kick the shit out of a rachni queen in the middle of a migraine. I think I can handle this.”

The commander looked offended. “Are you saying I’m not a challenge?”

“Please.” Kaidan’s still glowing hand reached out to grip Shepard’s cock. Slick with lube and crackling with biotic power, the sensation was overwhelming. Shepard moaned like…well, the phrase “like an Asari whore” came to mind. Gods, the man was good. The major smiled at him. “I’d say you’re pretty easy.”

Kaidan began to stroke Shepard’s length, his biotics making every hair in the vicinity stand on end, tingling against his skin just— _shit_ —just at the edge of pleasure and discomfort. The lube turned Kaidan’s stroke into a seamless— _oh, yes_ —effortless glide, the major rotating his hand in a fascinating— _oh hell, incredible_ —way every time he reached the head. Shepard began to see the devious genius behind Kaidan’s method: the clever stroke bringing him to new heights of pleasure while the biotics prevented him from relaxing completely, making sure he never quite reached the top of that climb.

What an asshole. What a complete, perfect, fucking amazing little evil bitch. 

Shepard was caught up in the sensation at his groin that he almost missed a new sensation--the major’s fingers, slippery with lube, exploring his anus. He slipped in one finger, and Shepard caught his breath, then two, and the commander felt his back arch. Kaidan’s other hand was slowly increasing in speed. Shepard panted, straining toward Kaidan, not even sure what he needed, just knowing he needed more.

Kaidan obliged, slipping in a third finger, waiting a moment for Shepard to relax around him before pumping his fingers in and out, matching the rhythm of the hand on Shepard’s cock. The commander’s hands clawed at the sheets. Someone nearby—surely it couldn’t be him—was making ridiculous mewling noises in his throat, was mumbling something like, “Oh fuck Kaidan Jesus please please yes oh god Kaidan please.” Whoever that was should be embarrassed. Shepard on the other hand, couldn’t give a shit. This was unlike anything he’d ever felt before.

Kaidan’s fingers slid out of Shepard, his hand slowing to a stop. Shepard didn’t even have the strength to protest. He did manage to open his eyes, just in time to see the major stroking himself back to full hardness, his length already glistening with lube. Shepard had a moment to contemplate what was coming next, and felt a brief flutter in his stomach- half excitement, half anxiety. God, it had been a long time.

And then Kaidan was back, pulling Shepard’s hips to the edge of the bed, where the major could still lean his thighs against the mattress for support. He reached up with one arm, his hand cupping Shepard’s skull, bringing him close for a deep kiss. Shepard could taste himself still faintly present on the major’s tongue. Then Kaidan pulled away, and Shepard was aware of a slick pressure suddenly pushing against his anus. The major paused, watching Shepard’s face, trying to read his body language.

“Do it, Kaidan. Please.” 

A barely-there nod, the same that Kaidan gave when acknowledging an order. Then the pressure built as the major pushed forward, and Shepard willed himself to relax. The biotic glow around Kaidan’s arms flared and went out as his attention focused entirely on the commander. Shepard took a deep breath, his hands finding Kaidan’s hips and pulling him toward him, and then Kaidan gave one final thrust, and was inside him. 

They were both still, adjusting, savoring. 

“Shepard,” said Kaidan, his voice strained, “you feel amazing.”

“Kaidan,” said Shepard, “shut up and fuck me.”

The major made a noise that might have been a laugh or might have been a moan, but he obeyed. He pulled backward until only the head of his cock was still inside Shepard, then slowly pushed forward again, dragging another groan out of the commander. A few more times, slowly, letting Shepard stretch…finally, the major’s own need got the better of him and his thrusts began to increase in speed, becoming shorter, faster, more desperate. 

Shepard rolled his hips to meet each thrust, relishing the way Kaidan felt inside him, the way his cock slid over just the right spot, pushing Shepard toward ecstasy with each stroke. The major filled him, taking him in a way that so few had been allowed—and with no one else had it ever felt like this, like drowning and dying and coming back to life again. 

Kaidan’s leg was trembling slightly, and Shepard felt the tension in him rising. His urgency fed Shepard’s own, and he reached down to stroke himself as the major began to thrust wildly, roughly, his fingers digging into Shepard’s hips for support. 

“Please, Kaidan, oh god, please.” 

“Shepard—!”

The commander felt Kaidan go rigid, and then he was coming. The major’s orgasm kept going, his back arched as he thrust himself fully into Shepard, cock throbbing as he emptied himself. Watching the waves of pleasure on the other man’s face, Shepard increased his own stroke, rushing to finish what Kaidan had started. 

Kaidan shifted, not letting himself slide out of Shepard yet, so that his hand could take Shepards’ place. His hand was still slippery, but less so than before, and the friction soon had Shepard cresting his own wave of sensation.

“Ah, god, Kaidan—”

Shepard came hard, his seed flowing over Kaidan’s hand and splattering onto his belly. The major stroked him until he was finished, swirling his thumb across the sensitive head to wipe away the last drops. 

Slowly, Kaidan let himself slide out of Shepard. His knees were buckling, and Shepard caught him, pulling him onto the bed, holding him close. Kaidan, still trembling, laid his head down next to Shepard’s. 

“Still in one piece?” the commander asked, when he could breathe again. 

“Actually,” Kaidan said, “I think the headache is a little better.”

“Liar.”

Shepard turned his head to look at Kaidan. The major looked exhausted, dark circles under his eyes showing the strain he was putting on himself—but there was something else on his face, too. Shepard had seem similar expressions on soldiers just after winning a particularly difficult battle, when their bodies had nothing left to give, but they were basking in their success. Exhausted, spent, physically wasted…but content. Shepard knew how hard Kaidan had fought—but he wondered what it was that Kaidan had won.

“Come here,” he told the major. He wrapped his arm around Kaidan’s shoulder, settled the major’s head against his chest. “Get some sleep.”

“Mmmm.” Kaidan’s breathing was already taking on a deep, steady quality that told the commander he was close to passing out. He draped one arm over Shepard’s stomach, his thumb idly tracing the line of Shepard’s ribs. 

Shepard hoped he couldn’t hear his heartbeat, racing wildly against his chest. His Kaidan. _His_ Kaidan. How could the major not see it? You didn’t take the things you cared about, the things you lo—but no, Shepard could not afford to think that way. He just couldn’t bear to think of putting Kaidan in harm’s way. He could respect him, allow him to do his job, but stop protecting him?

“Never,” he said aloud. Kaidan was already asleep, his weight heavy on Shepard’s chest. The commander held him tighter, whispering into his hair. 

“Never.”


End file.
